A Perspective On Focus

 I had a message from someone on Facebook the other day which read (I paraphrase): 

    "I'm disappointed ... you seem to produce only cat cartoons nowadays. I was hoping to see more of your proper fine art ... but you're not posting any. Why the change of direction? It's a shame to see you give up ... on a promising career. "

    Hmmm.

    In fairness, it's not the first such message I've had over the last few years and although they always make me prickle at their presumption and insensitivity, I appreciate that someone has taken time to ask - albeit bloody rudely - about my art and to express their opinions about my work. I mean... I still want to throw sharp things, but I can rationalise. Mostly.

    SO - as obviously this is an issue, allow me to address what has hitherto been a largely private matter so that I may explain the changes in my artistic direction.

    A few years ago I had a series of T.I.A.s followed by three significant strokes. Amongst other things, they affected my motor skills, depth perception and overall vision. It took a LOT of hard work and practise (and tears and cake and temper tantrums and cat cuddles) to recover and return to the fine inkwork which has been my heart's true love for over three decades. Once restored, my art propelled me to commissions, international exhibitions and plans for books and a more significant online presence in the art community. Daunting, but a dream come true.

    Then, in 2021, following a hefty dose of covid, I fell ill with worryingly familiar symptoms, culminating in what my specialist refers to as "a significant brain event". I kind of like that terminology as it implies the presence of balloons and streamers, cheesy music and the ubiquitous cake.... the reality's a bit more grim. This time, the main casualty of the brain slug insurgency was - and is -  *drumroll please* my eyesight. I'd hoped that with work it would improve as it had done before, and although it's showing some positive signs, I have a bugger of a time with my ability to focus. It's hard to explain, and long-winded, so here's a visual aid (the vague irony is not lost on me....):

    This is what I SHOULD be able to see:

...sharp, detailed and in focus. I should be able to HOLD this level of focus...HOWEVER - in any given ten second period, my focus switches to and from ANY or all of the following:

    What used to take maybe an hour now takes weeks and plagues me with headaches and nausea. I can manage maybe 15 minutes a day of any quality detail focus. 15 minutes. This work is much smaller in reality than you may think. This cat:

...is just shy of 14cm high. That's a lot of teeny weeny detail in a very small space. I can start to see the allure of digital art, as anything can be enlarged for the purpose of process and then returned to the desired display size for presentation. Maybe that'll be something I look into....

    For now though, the cat cartoons, although they take way longer than they used to, are easier for me to produce. I can still work with colour and that covers a multitude of sins! They're still fun.

    The realisation that - at least for now - I can't pursue the art that I love so deeply has been hard. I admit to a spell of hopelessness, even a slight depression. I've had to let people down, leave projects incomplete, cancel exhibitions and cancel any publication plans. However, now that I have reached a level of acceptance I am able to look into other mediums and styles which I enjoy and try to find a new 'home' for my work so that I can recover my drive and move forward. In the meantime, my cats are my transition and my ongoing therapy. I know they're loved by others as much as me and if they're a disappointment to some people then that's just not where their tastes lie, and I'm ok with that. 

   Anyway - for anyone who reads this, I hope it goes some way to explaining the changes. If you're still grumpy, I'd suggest a nice walk and a hot beverage and some deep breathing... calm it, baby.