The Desolation of Wickham

At the weekend, Husband donned pith helmet and bull-whip and braved the wilds of the forested jungle that is our abundantly overgrown garden.

It's not that we're wilfully neglecting the poor place, we simply have no time to head out there with clippers and hose and tend to the greenery on a regular basis. Now we have a malicious gang of wandering triffids fighting for dominance with the latest incarnation of Audrey II - "FEED ME, SEYMOUR!"

Although we hang heads in shame at the shambles, the cats are in seventh heaven - not least of all the Shrewsbane, Leonard, and the ever psychotic mini kitty, Sapphira, who's bonkers at the best of times but seems to have gone into full-on Bear Grylls mode.... Gizmo is like Attenborough, lurking in bushes ogling the wood pigeons and any passing insect with diagnostic fascination, probably weighing up the likelihood of them offering up a fine dining experience.

Mischief has been up in the back field again, partying like a maniac, in a mojito-fuelled haze, returning to sit and stare, hypnotised at the pond......big fish, little fish, big fish, little fish....before the call of the cardboard box becomes overwhelming.

Harvey remains nestled in his blankies, in his smoking jacket, lounging luxuriously in velvet folds, demanding pate de foie gras and a divinely robust cognac.

Enough was enough, and Sunday took Husband to the edge with trailing vines and man-eating begonias. Out he went with determined visage and the proper big gloves. An hour-and-a-half later, in he comes in mud-monster fancy dress, behind him a wasteland of stems and churned soil. The cats are bereft and the overreaction has been extreme. You'd think they'd been deposited into the middle of a vast, featureless desert! It's a whole new level of drama from Leonard of Arabia and his motley companions and I suspect Oscar nominations will be abundant for all. Harvey is the least disturbed, as he has his own comfy spot, jealously guarded, and he ain't movin' for anyone. Only nummy yummy treats will bring solace now to the traumatised feline victims of this devastation - we're waiting for the emergency air-drop of catnip biscuits...it had better reach us soon....